And the beat goes on...

The People You Went to High School With

2011-09-27T18:42:00.000-07:00

The following is a short list of how you knew them in high school and where they are now:

The girl that was always going to the tanning bed and now looks 10 years older than she really is

You knew her as the bronzed babe who always had that beach glow; even in December. Her friends always complemented her tan complexion, and “being tan” became a part of her identity. After years of paying those monthly fees at the local fake ‘n’ bake, this aging Aphrodite, who’s really 26, looks 36.

The fat guy that got skinny

You knew him as the unathletic but massive man-child who started on the offensive line for your high school football team. He had an ironic name like Midget or Tiny. After high school, he faded into obscurity. He resurfaced in 2008 at an ugly sweater Christmas party thrown by a mutual friend. Only now, Tiny is donning a new, much slimmer body and a semi-attractive girlfriend. He’s also kind of a douche about the fact that he’s trim and healthy now, and he makes snide comments about that Christmas beef log you’re eating.

The guy that’s still in college and works part-time at Best Buy

It’s been eight years since he received his high school diploma, but this guy can’t settle on a life path. He says he wants to be rich one day, but he can’t seem to take more than 3 credits per semester at his local community college. In reality, life at home with mom is just too good. The free meals and free lodging have turned him into the real-life Matthew McConaughey from “Failure to Launch” (albeit less successful – McConaughey had a Porsche and a sweet job selling sailboats).

The girl that got straight A’s, went to an Ivy League, and now makes more money in a month than you do in a year

When she gave her valedictorian speech, nobody in your class had ever seen her before. Six years after graduation, you received a Facebook friend invitation from her and realized that you are comparatively a loser. However, in an effort to feel better about yourself, you point out that she only has 150 Facebook friends, and you have 700. You lie to yourself and think, “Sure, she makes a lot of money doing a job that I just had to Wikipedia to understand, but I have fun! There’s no way she has fun.”

St. Louis Musings

2010-07-11T17:36:00.000-07:00

I am living in St. Louis, Missouri this summer and interning at Scott Air Force Base for the Army JAG Corps. The job is good; I really like it. I mean, it’s challenging and rewarding and all of that stuff. I have been doing a ton of legal research and writing which requires the use of words like “therefore” and “thus” and “furthermore.” Those words are fun to use. I especially like using the phrase “[i]n conclusion” because it means that I’m almost done with my analysis.

The whole “living in St. Louis for the summer” thing has made me aware that wherever you go, there will be strange people capable of very strange things. There are also boring people; very boring people. It kind of makes me depressed knowing that people are just people no matter where you go. Maybe I’m wrong though, and maybe in some part of the world there is a culture full of totally manic people. Maybe they get excited all of the time for no particular reason other than that they are alive; and they laugh and then they cry because they have so much joy. I doubt these people really exist though. Only in books and movies can people really be manic for an extended period of time.

The area I am living in this summer is called Tower Grove. It’s a section of St. Louis that has gone through an urban renewal process over the past decade to become what it is today. It’s relatively cheap to live, very ethnically diverse, and most of the restaurants are Eastern influenced. I went to a coffee shop a couple of weeks ago to read a book, but soon had to leave because a man kept hitting on me. I mean, it wasn’t even subtle, it was ridiculous. It was the first time in my life that I understood why certain women don’t like to be hit on. Solidarity, ladies.

I’ve been going to a pretty cool church called The Journey. I can’t quite figure the church out, which may be the reason that I keep going back. Like, in the bulletin today, there was a Johnny Cash quote. And at first, I was like, what the eff man, you can’t quote Johnny Cash in a church bulletin! But after I thought about it for a while, I couldn’t really think of a reason why Johnny Cash shouldn’t be quoted. I mean, what if the quote spoke Truth (the capital T kind)? And how is what Johnny Cash had to say about God any different than what Joe Shmoe Preacher has to say about God? Whether it’s Johnny Cash or Joe Shmoe, they are both conveying the little bit that they know about God. (Cue the story of the blind men and the elephant.) So, I decided that I’m cool with the Johnny Cash quote. The message today at church was on the apocalypse and all of that crap. The conclusion to the sermon was basically, “Yeah, we don’t really have any idea about how this apocalypse thing is going to happen, but we just know that it will at some point.” Alright, thanks for the insight. I should probably care more about that sort of thing, but I don’t. But anyway, don’t let today’s sermon or the Johnny Cash quote put you off about The Journey because you would probably like it if you went. It really is a pretty cool church.

I’ve got four more weeks in St. Louis. I’m really looking forward to them.

1[hel]L (of a) Year

2010-05-20T12:52:00.000-07:00

I’ve fielded a lot of questions from friends since returning home from my first year of law school. Some of the questions seem to hedge around the idea that I’ve been enrolled at Hogwarts, and that I’ve gained some sort of magical law powers. I can assure you that this is not the case.

I think many first year law students would agree that the first year of law school is grueling. In fact, there are probably some similarities between 1L year and fighting a war. Every day is spent dodging bullets, anticipating the enemy’s moves, honing your skills, and preparing for the next day’s offensive strike. It’s mentally challenging, like a game of chess that lasts for 8 months. My class had 5-6 casualties in the first year (that’s about a 3% fatality rate, in case you were wondering). But, enough with the analogies, the bottom line is that although it can be tough, I love learning the law, and could not be happier to be in law school. As my friend Jake once said, “The Law is brilliant, man.” I concur, Jake.

This summer is shaping up to be a lot of fun. I am working for the U.S. Army JAG Corps as a summer legal intern at Scott Air Force Base and living in St. Louis, MO. My St. Louis summer bucket list includes hanging-out with Nelly and hitting some BP with Albert (“stinky”) Pujols. I will be sure to snap some pics if either of these happen.

AM

It's about time Ms. Heap...

2009-08-17T16:50:00.000-07:00

Alright, so if you haven't heard it yet, here is Imogen Heap's new album in all of it's stream-able glory. Enjoy it!

Personality Profile

2009-06-25T20:13:00.000-07:00

I took a personality profile test a few months ago and found out that I am an ENTJ. If you have no idea what I'm talking about then go here: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp to take the Jung Typology Test.

Here are some words that describe my personality type:

decisive, fearless, planner, thrill seeker, engaged, social, self centered, comfortable around others, image conscious, likes to be center of attention, adventurous, outgoing, manipulative, emotionally stable, leader, ambitious, hard working, dominant, prepared, hates to be bored, confident, opinionated, analytical, prepares for worst case scenarios, organized, orderly, clean, driven, resourceful, finishes most things they start, achieving, risk taker, desires fame/acclaim, image focused, narcissistic, arrogant, perfectionist, driven, academic, scientific, critical, avoids giving in to others, does not like to compromise, skeptical

The List

2009-06-22T18:30:00.000-07:00

If you have ever stepped foot into a church you may have noticed one of us. We serve you the sacraments, pass you the offering basket, and escort your feeble grandparents. We know where all of the bathrooms are, and we have counted you every time you've sat in one of our lavishly padded seats. We are the smiling faces that help your family of six find seats when you show up to service thirty minutes late. We are, as our lapels say, USHER.

Historically, I'm not much of the volunteer type. I like the satisfaction of helping people, but 'volunteering' has always sounded like something grandmas did to get out of the house when grandpa started getting on their nerves. It has always been scary to me too; kind of like a slow death. I knew this guy named John that started volunteering when we were in high school. He got so into it that he never came back. He's living in a third world country now. I get the shivers every time I think about it.

I think I figured the whole volunteering system out. There is a master list of names and phone numbers that all of the heads of volunteer organizations use. It's called The List. If you have ever volunteered for anything, you are probably on The List. The only way to stay off this list is to never volunteer for anything, ever. Once you are on The List you will be called upon to volunteer for things you didn't even know existed. No task is too gross, intensely boring, or labor intensive to ask a volunteer on The List to perform. Anything goes. Becoming a name on The List has been a huge reason that I have always refrained from volunteer work.

Even though I figured out The List and and had a deeply rooted apprehension for volunteering, I recently felt the need to make an effort. I mean, my volunteer resume is abysmal. It consists of bagging groceries at a food bank twice when I was 13, and even that was for extra credit. Pretty bad. I kept thinking that if Mother Teresa was still alive, and I met her, she would probably call me out. The thought of getting scolded by Mother Teresa is probably the worst thing that could happen to a person, and it gave me the final push to get out of my comfort zone and consider volunteering.

About 7 months ago I did what was once unthinkable. I volunteered at my church and willingly became a part of the system that I feared for so long. Astoundingly, I have not died, been asked to clean up feces, or been shipped off to a third world country; at least not yet. The experience has actually been pretty liberating and I've met some interesting people during my stint as an usher. It may even be the first baby step toward more volunteer work in the future. Time will tell, but for now I am happy to report that I have conquered my fear. Mother Teresa would be proud.

Gym Culture

2009-04-02T12:05:00.000-07:00

There isn't much in the world that makes me happier than seeing a fat guy on a treadmill. Senior citizens wearing headbands and wristbands comes in a close second for me, but I am really partial to seeing the fat guy sweating off the pounds. I workout at the YMCA, and during my workout today I was thinking about "universal gym culture" if there is such a thing. You know, the kind of stuff you'd see at just about any gym. So here are a few that I came up with:

1. The person that fills up their whole water bottle at the water-fountain. This person doesn't care about the massive line of dehydrated people that has formed behind them because they are on a mission to fill up their 60oz Nalgene.

2. The lady with the eating disorder. I have seen this girl at every gym I have ever been to. She looks like a skeleton and smells like cigarette smoke, but she somehow musters the energy for a two-hour Precor session.

3. The military guy. His shorts are always too short and he usually has the arm-band iPod holder. This guy keeps to himself and can always be seen doing pull-ups and squats.

4. The fat lady that just walks around the gym. This person thinks that just by being at the gym or standing next to a treadmill she will be redeemed for the Ho-Ho's she ate on the drive over.

5. The personal trainer. This guy is usually about 30 years-old with massive muscles. After this guy graduates from college with a degree in Physical Fitness he realizes that he has no viable career prospects and no control over his life. In a state of depression he decides that he will make an hourly wage by bringing pain and misery to anyone misfortunate enough to hire his services.

Ohio Stuff

2009-03-21T06:52:00.001-07:00

I had never seen a Burrito this 'grande' before. It was like the Jolly Green Giant took a massive Mexican dump on my plate and handed me a side of sour cream and guac. It was so big I actually groaned about its size, because deep down I knew that the chef was challenging me to eat it all. This was my experience at The Cheesecake Factory last night.
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Bringing your mom to visit schools can be fun. It can also be awkward. My mom thinks that I am the single greatest human to ever walk the earth (after Jesus of course) and she believes everyone else should know it too. While the Dean of Admissions at UD was giving us a tour of the law school my mom attempted to leverage some basketball tickets. She said, "This isn't the only school he has been accepted to, but if you give us some tickets it might help your chances!" Thanks mom.
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I decided last night that Glenn Beck on the radio is much better than Glenn Beck on TV. TV Beck is like a hormonally imbalanced woman. One minute he's threatening your life and the next he's crying because he loves you so much. Radio Beck is just pure politi-centric entertainment. I mean it takes skillz to seamlessly transition from a segment on Islamic Jihad into an infomercial for GoToMyPC.com.

Observations on the modern day construction man...

2009-02-14T14:42:00.000-08:00

Alright, let me preface this post by saying that I am still working in Charleston, WV. My life as a traveling contractor is more interesting than ever, and funny stuff keeps happening every day.

The past 5 years have proved that I am usually the oddball on the jobsite. I mean, I just don't fit the typical mold of the modern day construction worker. It's not a 'better than' thing, it's just a 'different than' (thank God) thing. The following are some observations that I have made over my 5 years in the business.

1) Bob Vila is a myth. I have never met anyone like Bob Vila in this business, however I meet Larry the Cable Guy's every day.

2) If you are a girl, DO NOT come within a half-mile radius of any construction site anywhere ever! This is a rule that you do not under any circumstance want to violate. I have heard things that would even make Billy Bob Thornton grimace.

3) The 'plumbers crack' is a real phenomenon but is not limited to plumbers. Carpenters typically show just as much crack but have somehow flown under the radar.

4) Work is totally optional. There is no need to call in to your boss if you are sick because there is absolutely no consequence for missing work!

5) If you pay for a tattoo you are a sucker. You either get one in prison or you know a guy that "does that sh*t for free, man" in your living room.

6) Chili's is fine dining.

7) I should have payed attention in Spanish class because I would know what those Mexicans are really saying about me. Si?

8) A customer should add at least 2 months to any project completion date given by a contractor. Excuses for exceeding the project completion date will vary from day-to-day but a standard one is "They delivered the wrong size. It's going to take anywhere from 1-60 days for it to come in." This actually means the contractor forgot to order it.

9) Standard life expectancy is around 45. Daily consumption of Hardee's Thickburgers, copious amounts of drugs and alcohol, and grueling manual labor form the recipe for early retirement, just not the good kind.

10) Never trust the new guy. He either just got out of prison or he got fired from another crew. Both of these circumustances mean that he has done something absolutely horrendous.

Life in West Virginia

2009-02-01T13:21:00.000-08:00

A little over a week ago I got a phone call from an old boss offering me a job. Two days after that I was driving to Charleston, West Virginia on my way to work construction on a hotel. You can call me adventurous or stupid and you would probably be right either way. I left with no idea of what type of work or compensation to expect, only that I was going to get my own free hotel room for as long as I stayed. That sold me. I mean a free continental breakfast, HBO, and two beds to pick from every night is kind of a sweet deal.

After only five days in West Virginia I have already racked up some good stories and had some comical encounters with the West Virginia stereotypes. Rednecks are plentiful, the gay population is thriving, incest is socially acceptable, alcoholism isn't a negative, and obesity is beautiful. For example, I've heard the 'Git 'r done' phrase constantly, been hit-on by a clinically retarded gay man, and met a guy who proudly explained how he took his "good lookin' cousin" to a Bruce Springsteen concert at the Hampton Coliseum in 1985. Oh, and Rite-Aid pharmacies sell hard liquor. It's just another type of medicine 'round these parts.

This morning was quite an interesting experience. I decided that it would be fun to go to church in a new city and ended up at a place called the Unity of Semkah Valley. As I walked in to the church I knew I was in for something special. The pastor ran over to me and introduced himself as the Reverend Rain Steingold. He was a thin middle-aged man with a huge grin on his face, and I could tell he was from the Jim Jones school of leadership. I probably should have left at this point, but I had never been to a cult meeting before! Plus, I couldn't resist sticking around to hear my new friend, Rain, preach.

From the back of the Unity of Semkah Valley bulletin:
Unity's basic teachings:
1. God is good and everywhere present. (Sure, I agree with that.)

2. The spirit of God lives within each person; therefore all people are inherently good. (Hmmm, I guess I don't really need Jesus to forgive me for anything then, eh?)

3. We create our experiences through our way of thinking (Does anyone really need to be taught that?)

4. There is power in affirmative prayer, which we believe increases our connection to God. (Sure, but not without a connection with the Holy Spirit which comes through the acceptance of Jesus Christ. Holy crap, am I a fundamentalist? Watch out Pat Robertson!)

5. Knowledge of these spiritual principles is not enough. We must live them. (OK. Awesome. Which spiritual principles?)

Like most churches, the Unity of Semkah Valley service started off with praise and worship. The only difference was instead of singing something written by Chris Tomlin, we sang 'Love Will Keep Us Alive' from The Eagles 1994 release, Hell Freezes Over. After the sweet acoustic rock session, the Reverend Rain introduced me to the congregation and everyone waved and smiled and said hello. It was all very unifying and I felt very happy to be singing The Eagles with these nice people. I waved back, tipped my brow, and said hello while kind of doing an awkward half-sitting half-standing type of thing.

I wanted to request 'Hotel California' for communion time, but apparently Unity churches do not believe in the sacraments. Rain did not end up preaching, but instead let the congregation give testimonies as to why they love the Unity church more than any other church they have ever attended. About 10 people spoke and they were all very sincere and smiled a lot. Oddly enough, a common theme was their excitement about Obama being president. One man said that he hadn't put a picture of a president up in his house since Kennedy, but he planned on putting an Obama picture up soon. Everyone clapped and smiled. I was hoping after the service they would give me a new name like Shadow or Thunder, but I think that's a part of the membership process.

The Unity church definitely saves the best for last. At the end of the service the whole congregation stood in a massive circle and created a human chain by holding hands. I felt very uncomfortable with this because an elderly lady made weird eye contact with me and then walked over to hold my hand. I really dislike holding hands with strangers, but I didn't want to be a weak-link in the human unity chain, so I just went with it. Once the circle was situated, the congregation recited the 'Unity Prayer', which luckily for me was written on one of the walls in the church. They thought I knew every word.

The Charleston Plaza Hotel, Floor 9, Room 14 is where I will be for a while. Enjoying HBO, eating bagles every morning, and switching beds every night.

Why dream when you can do?

2008-12-16T17:20:00.001-08:00

Lots of people have dreams. My friend Jesse says he has wet ones all the time, but I'm not exactly sure what that means. I've had lots of dreams too. When I was a little kid my parents friends would always ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I would always reply as if from a script, "I want to be a pilot, an engineer and an astronaut!" Of course right around middle school I realized I was terrible at math which pretty much destroyed my destiny. The point that I want to make is that having a dream without any regard for a realistic goal is not only doomed to fail but is also just flat out lying to yourself. For example, I play in a local rock band in VA Beach that plays the bar circuit. We've been doing it for a few years now and we've played with a lot of bands. Some of these bands are pretty good and some of them are awful. The whole dreamer mentality is pretty easy to see with some of the guys in these bands. They think their big break is right around the corner, but they don't even realize that they are ugly and untalented. I think you have to be talented or good looking (both is probably best i.e. John Mayer/Fergie - okay Fergie's not talented) in order to make it in the music business. Even that's a big maybe. I've been thinking a lot about the differences between being a dreamer and being a doer. I realized that I am a doer and I like being around the doers. I definitely understand that sometimes it takes a dream to start the doing, but my beef is with the unrealistic and unwilling to work on their dreams dreamers. If your dream has a chance of attainability then go for it with everything you have, but if not then don't lie to yourself just for a false sense of security. First rant over and out.

2008-11-27T19:52:00.000-08:00

Today is Thanksgiving Day and I am thankful to be starting this blog.