I had never seen a Burrito this 'grande' before. It was like the Jolly Green Giant took a massive Mexican dump on my plate and handed me a side of sour cream and guac. It was so big I actually groaned about its size, because deep down I knew that the chef was challenging me to eat it all. This was my experience at The Cheesecake Factory last night.
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Bringing your mom to visit schools can be fun. It can also be awkward. My mom thinks that I am the single greatest human to ever walk the earth (after Jesus of course) and she believes everyone else should know it too. While the Dean of Admissions at UD was giving us a tour of the law school my mom attempted to leverage some basketball tickets. She said, "This isn't the only school he has been accepted to, but if you give us some tickets it might help your chances!" Thanks mom.
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I decided last night that Glenn Beck on the radio is much better than Glenn Beck on TV. TV Beck is like a hormonally imbalanced woman. One minute he's threatening your life and the next he's crying because he loves you so much. Radio Beck is just pure politi-centric entertainment. I mean it takes skillz to seamlessly transition from a segment on Islamic Jihad into an infomercial for GoToMyPC.com.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Observations on the modern day construction man...
Alright, let me preface this post by saying that I am still working in Charleston, WV. My life as a traveling contractor is more interesting than ever, and funny stuff keeps happening every day.The past 5 years have proved that I am usually the oddball on the jobsite. I mean, I just don't fit the typical mold of the modern day construction worker. It's not a 'better than' thing, it's just a 'different than' (thank God) thing. The following are some observations that I have made over my 5 years in the business.
1) Bob Vila is a myth. I have never met anyone like Bob Vila in this business, however I meet Larry the Cable Guy's every day.
2) If you are a girl, DO NOT come within a half-mile radius of any construction site anywhere ever! This is a rule that you do not under any circumstance want to violate. I have heard things that would even make Billy Bob Thornton grimace.
3) The 'plumbers crack' is a real phenomenon but is not limited to plumbers. Carpenters typically show just as much crack but have somehow flown under the radar.
4) Work is totally optional. There is no need to call in to your boss if you are sick because there is absolutely no consequence for missing work!
5) If you pay for a tattoo you are a sucker. You either get one in prison or you know a guy that "does that sh*t for free, man" in your living room.
6) Chili's is fine dining.
7) I should have payed attention in Spanish class because I would know what those Mexicans are really saying about me. Si?
8) A customer should add at least 2 months to any project completion date given by a contractor. Excuses for exceeding the project completion date will vary from day-to-day but a standard one is "They delivered the wrong size. It's going to take anywhere from 1-60 days for it to come in." This actually means the contractor forgot to order it.
9) Standard life expectancy is around 45. Daily consumption of Hardee's Thickburgers, copious amounts of drugs and alcohol, and grueling manual labor form the recipe for early retirement, just not the good kind.
10) Never trust the new guy. He either just got out of prison or he got fired from another crew. Both of these circumustances mean that he has done something absolutely horrendous.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Life in West Virginia
A little over a week ago I got a phone call from an old boss offering me a job. Two days after that I was driving to Charleston, West Virginia on my way to work construction on a hotel. You can call me adventurous or stupid and you would probably be right either way. I left with no idea of what type of work or compensation to expect, only that I was going to get my own free hotel room for as long as I stayed. That sold me. I mean a free continental breakfast, HBO, and two beds to pick from every night is kind of a sweet deal.
After only five days in West Virginia I have already racked up some good stories and had some comical encounters with the West Virginia stereotypes. Rednecks are plentiful, the gay population is thriving, incest is socially acceptable, alcoholism isn't a negative, and obesity is beautiful. For example, I've heard the 'Git 'r done' phrase constantly, been hit-on by a clinically retarded gay man, and met a guy who proudly explained how he took his "good lookin' cousin" to a Bruce Springsteen concert at the Hampton Coliseum in 1985. Oh, and Rite-Aid pharmacies sell hard liquor. It's just another type of medicine 'round these parts.
This morning was quite an interesting experience. I decided that it would be fun to go to church in a new city and ended up at a place called the Unity of Semkah Valley. As I walked in to the church I knew I was in for something special. The pastor ran over to me and introduced himself as the Reverend Rain Steingold. He was a thin middle-aged man with a huge grin on his face, and I could tell he was from the Jim Jones school of leadership. I probably should have left at this point, but I had never been to a cult meeting before! Plus, I couldn't resist sticking around to hear my new friend, Rain, preach.
From the back of the Unity of Semkah Valley bulletin:
Unity's basic teachings:
1. God is good and everywhere present. (Sure, I agree with that.)
2. The spirit of God lives within each person; therefore all people are inherently good. (Hmmm, I guess I don't really need Jesus to forgive me for anything then, eh?)
3. We create our experiences through our way of thinking (Does anyone really need to be taught that?)
4. There is power in affirmative prayer, which we believe increases our connection to God. (Sure, but not without a connection with the Holy Spirit which comes through the acceptance of Jesus Christ. Holy crap, am I a fundamentalist? Watch out Pat Robertson!)
5. Knowledge of these spiritual principles is not enough. We must live them. (OK. Awesome. Which spiritual principles?)
Like most churches, the Unity of Semkah Valley service started off with praise and worship. The only difference was instead of singing something written by Chris Tomlin, we sang 'Love Will Keep Us Alive' from The Eagles 1994 release, Hell Freezes Over. After the sweet acoustic rock session, the Reverend Rain introduced me to the congregation and everyone waved and smiled and said hello. It was all very unifying and I felt very happy to be singing The Eagles with these nice people. I waved back, tipped my brow, and said hello while kind of doing an awkward half-sitting half-standing type of thing.
I wanted to request 'Hotel California' for communion time, but apparently Unity churches do not believe in the sacraments. Rain did not end up preaching, but instead let the congregation give testimonies as to why they love the Unity church more than any other church they have ever attended. About 10 people spoke and they were all very sincere and smiled a lot. Oddly enough, a common theme was their excitement about Obama being president. One man said that he hadn't put a picture of a president up in his house since Kennedy, but he planned on putting an Obama picture up soon. Everyone clapped and smiled. I was hoping after the service they would give me a new name like Shadow or Thunder, but I think that's a part of the membership process.
The Unity church definitely saves the best for last. At the end of the service the whole congregation stood in a massive circle and created a human chain by holding hands. I felt very uncomfortable with this because an elderly lady made weird eye contact with me and then walked over to hold my hand. I really dislike holding hands with strangers, but I didn't want to be a weak-link in the human unity chain, so I just went with it. Once the circle was situated, the congregation recited the 'Unity Prayer', which luckily for me was written on one of the walls in the church. They thought I knew every word.
The Charleston Plaza Hotel, Floor 9, Room 14 is where I will be for a while. Enjoying HBO, eating bagles every morning, and switching beds every night.
After only five days in West Virginia I have already racked up some good stories and had some comical encounters with the West Virginia stereotypes. Rednecks are plentiful, the gay population is thriving, incest is socially acceptable, alcoholism isn't a negative, and obesity is beautiful. For example, I've heard the 'Git 'r done' phrase constantly, been hit-on by a clinically retarded gay man, and met a guy who proudly explained how he took his "good lookin' cousin" to a Bruce Springsteen concert at the Hampton Coliseum in 1985. Oh, and Rite-Aid pharmacies sell hard liquor. It's just another type of medicine 'round these parts.
This morning was quite an interesting experience. I decided that it would be fun to go to church in a new city and ended up at a place called the Unity of Semkah Valley. As I walked in to the church I knew I was in for something special. The pastor ran over to me and introduced himself as the Reverend Rain Steingold. He was a thin middle-aged man with a huge grin on his face, and I could tell he was from the Jim Jones school of leadership. I probably should have left at this point, but I had never been to a cult meeting before! Plus, I couldn't resist sticking around to hear my new friend, Rain, preach.
From the back of the Unity of Semkah Valley bulletin:
Unity's basic teachings:
1. God is good and everywhere present. (Sure, I agree with that.)
2. The spirit of God lives within each person; therefore all people are inherently good. (Hmmm, I guess I don't really need Jesus to forgive me for anything then, eh?)
3. We create our experiences through our way of thinking (Does anyone really need to be taught that?)
4. There is power in affirmative prayer, which we believe increases our connection to God. (Sure, but not without a connection with the Holy Spirit which comes through the acceptance of Jesus Christ. Holy crap, am I a fundamentalist? Watch out Pat Robertson!)
5. Knowledge of these spiritual principles is not enough. We must live them. (OK. Awesome. Which spiritual principles?)
Like most churches, the Unity of Semkah Valley service started off with praise and worship. The only difference was instead of singing something written by Chris Tomlin, we sang 'Love Will Keep Us Alive' from The Eagles 1994 release, Hell Freezes Over. After the sweet acoustic rock session, the Reverend Rain introduced me to the congregation and everyone waved and smiled and said hello. It was all very unifying and I felt very happy to be singing The Eagles with these nice people. I waved back, tipped my brow, and said hello while kind of doing an awkward half-sitting half-standing type of thing.
I wanted to request 'Hotel California' for communion time, but apparently Unity churches do not believe in the sacraments. Rain did not end up preaching, but instead let the congregation give testimonies as to why they love the Unity church more than any other church they have ever attended. About 10 people spoke and they were all very sincere and smiled a lot. Oddly enough, a common theme was their excitement about Obama being president. One man said that he hadn't put a picture of a president up in his house since Kennedy, but he planned on putting an Obama picture up soon. Everyone clapped and smiled. I was hoping after the service they would give me a new name like Shadow or Thunder, but I think that's a part of the membership process.
The Unity church definitely saves the best for last. At the end of the service the whole congregation stood in a massive circle and created a human chain by holding hands. I felt very uncomfortable with this because an elderly lady made weird eye contact with me and then walked over to hold my hand. I really dislike holding hands with strangers, but I didn't want to be a weak-link in the human unity chain, so I just went with it. Once the circle was situated, the congregation recited the 'Unity Prayer', which luckily for me was written on one of the walls in the church. They thought I knew every word.
The Charleston Plaza Hotel, Floor 9, Room 14 is where I will be for a while. Enjoying HBO, eating bagles every morning, and switching beds every night.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Why dream when you can do?
Lots of people have dreams. My friend Jesse says he has wet ones all the time, but I'm not exactly sure what that means. I've had lots of dreams too. When I was a little kid my parents friends would always ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I would always reply as if from a script, "I want to be a pilot, an engineer and an astronaut!" Of course right around middle school I realized I was terrible at math which pretty much destroyed my destiny. The point that I want to make is that having a dream without any regard for a realistic goal is not only doomed to fail but is also just flat out lying to yourself. For example, I play in a local rock band in VA Beach that plays the bar circuit. We've been doing it for a few years now and we've played with a lot of bands. Some of these bands are pretty good and some of them are awful. The whole dreamer mentality is pretty easy to see with some of the guys in these bands. They think their big break is right around the corner, but they don't even realize that they are ugly and untalented. I think you have to be talented or good looking (both is probably best i.e. John Mayer/Fergie - okay Fergie's not talented) in order to make it in the music business. Even that's a big maybe. I've been thinking a lot about the differences between being a dreamer and being a doer. I realized that I am a doer and I like being around the doers. I definitely understand that sometimes it takes a dream to start the doing, but my beef is with the unrealistic and unwilling to work on their dreams dreamers. If your dream has a chance of attainability then go for it with everything you have, but if not then don't lie to yourself just for a false sense of security. First rant over and out.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
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